cannibal-rainbow:

Betrayal Bond. Trauma Bond. Stockholm Syndrome. These terms all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has hurt you.

This phenomenon is caused when a victim of abuse has a strong bond
to their abuser. These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their
abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional,
verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or
periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.

A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience
or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense
relationship/bond with the perpetrator.

Trying to understand why you were betrayed can most certainly be an
exercise in futility. I’m always trying to figure out why. Why do I feel
so sick constantly? Why am I having these panic attacks? Why can’t I
stop thinking about him? Why didn’t he still want to be friends? etc.

Ultimately, why doesn’t matter. This is your reality now.
This is where we must practice acceptance and just let go of the reason
“why.” I know that we feel that if we could just know our abusers’
motives or thoughts or reasons, we might be able to understand the
betrayal, after all we are nurturing, compassionate people. But we
wouldn’t understand, because there is no excuse or valid explanation for
abuse, for deception, for betrayal. Ever.

The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you
know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed: that some other human
being has wished you that much evil.

In fact, it’s traumatic. The betrayal of a friendship or a lover is highly traumatic, and your body (and mind) will likely
respond as if you have been traumatized. Because you have been
traumatized. The level of the abuse related to the impact of the abuse
varies from person to person, as we all have different capacities for
dealing with stress, anxiety, and pain.

As to what betrayal does to a relationship, and ultimately, a person,
it’s a constant war between illusion and reality, between believing in
love and explaining away lies.

The path to betrayal looks something like this:

Validation: The abuser validated the
promise in some way so that you believed things are actually the way
they were presented. Regains confidence

First betrayal: The real intention becomes clear in early abuse or exploitation. What really happened.

Reseduction: The abuser adds an explanation to the story so that the abuse is understandable. New promise or explanation

More betrayal: The abuse and exploitation continue
in a number of forms. Now you examine your own sanity, value, and costs
for having stayed.

Reframing: The abuser interpreted costs to you as minimal and reframed them as necessary for the good of the relationship.

Life crisis: Ultimately, reality asserts itself and you realize you can go no further.

Yet the bond remains even after the relationship is severed.

There is just enough truth to make
everything seem right: a little truth with just the right spin.
The rest was exploitation and a harsh form of abandonment which are connected to the core of addictions and shame. It is worse than neglect,
being purposeful, in even intentionally cruel. And if severe
enough, it is traumatic, creating a mind numbing, highly
addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you leading to
self-distrust and self-abandonment.

People who are caught up in this type of bond experience symptoms
similar to PTSD like nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Even
before the relationship is over, your body might know before you do. For
the first time in my life, I was thrown into daily panic attacks, and I
couldn’t understand why. Looking back, and after a lot of research,
this is common to those abused by Emotional Abusers. People who have had
no history of an anxiety disorder or panic attacks suddenly are finding
themselves popping Xanax just to make it through the day. Constant
nausea. Inability to eat. Weight loss.

The body knows. It has encountered a poison, and it’s trying to
purge. It’s thrown into a survival fight or flight mode, and it remains
there day after day. It’s exhausting.

But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing,
highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you. You may even
try to explain and help them understand what they are doing – convert
them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your
failed efforts and strive to do better. This attachment causes you to distrust your own
judgement, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater
risk. This attachment to the person that
betrayed you has a name – they are called betrayal bonds.

As for the unending circular questions, try these on:

Why would you want to be friends? Why would you go back into a situation of abuse?

But those questions, as logical as they are, don’t have answers yet
because the betrayal bond is not broken. Some part of you is still
empathizing with the abuser, rationalizing their behaviour, wondering
if it’s something that you had done wrong.

The way to break the betrayal bond is to recognise the patterns of abuse, accept the abuser has harmed you (they are the abuser, not you!) and start to destroy all the sympathy you have felt for them.

source: omgrey