Just like with me, you have had numerous trauma and assaults against your safety & self-esteem especially during your formative years.
These terms sound very benign but they are central to what is causing all your problems.
Dissociation & Cognitive Dissonance
Please believe in your own abilities to study and research this in depth on your own. You have the entire www as your library and a critical mind of what is true and what isn’t … but basically/psy101:
Dissociation – is when what ever is happening to you is so unbearable to your self-esteem & your mind protects itself with dissociation. It’s the toggle switch betw known vs. unknown, conscious and unconscious, or in math/computer 0 & 1.
On some level, this is very helpful for your survival, usually called numbing. Everyone does this.Even healthy people use it to keep healthy emotionally.
but when the trauma is repetitive or extreme it can lead all the way to DID (fka MPD.)