Aeltri

lavendersisterhood:

I understand that we naturally strive to find connections when meeting new people. We are curious to learn how we all came to be in the same space for the same event and share similar interests. I do it myself—I find it helpful at conferences and other large gatherings where there are more new people than my brain can rightfully parse. I get it. Association is a learning technique.

Yes, we’ve all been someone’s sixth degree of separation, but this is different. It runs deeper. This is a systemic worldview. 

• Or, un-view. A denial of individuality. Consider this: When you’ve been introduced to a man, has the person making the introduction ever revealed—in that moment, in his presence—who the man used to be sexually involved with? 
• Or emphasized his wife’s profession instead of his own? 
• Or imparted his sister’s position on the board of a given firm? 
• I have not seen this, but it routinely happens when I am introduced to women. So often that, though we might exchange a glance, we dismiss it as acceptable.

Recently remarried, I am continually reminded how frequently such erasure happens in traditionally binary marital partnerships. 

People regularly address my husband instead of me—both in my absence and my presence (i.e., they respond to him when I ask a question, ask his permission to hug or otherwise greet me, apologize to him after offending me, etc.). 

Most cab drivers acknowledge only him—even when I’m the one who gives directions or pays the fare. At restaurants, hosts greet him first—even when it’s my name on the reservation, and wait staff offer him the tasting wine—even when I’ve placed the wine order (and despite his glass of whiskey). It is a constant invisibility.

Often one of us will make a comment or otherwise call it out, but honestly, I tire of needing to do so.

I think it should depend on who takes the initiative. I don’t believe in showing preference towards a woman just to be PC if an event etc. revolves around the man’s work or vice versa. Let’s give credit where credit is due regardless of gender…

Attachment Erasure: Identified through Relationships with Men