1. You must dance with your food. Salsa, Merengue, Bachata… whichever. Dance with the food to give it flavor then upload it to social media. This gives the food Spicy Exotic Latinx Zing™ that everyone loves.
2. You must sacrifice a family member of yours to our ancestors to further add flavor to the food. Videotape the sacrifice and send it to your local police station so they can see you’re just doing it to cook a Latinx dish. They’ll understand, they just need proof.
3. Get a Mexican, Spanish, Puerto Rican, or Dominican flag tattooed on your forehead to further add Spicy Exotic Latinx Zing™ because of course.. those are the only Latinx countries in existence, according to non Latinxs worldwide.
4. Stay away from adobo, sofrito, sazón, y tudo. REAL LATINXS™ don’t use any of that. Instead, we use butter, oil and salt. Take off your clothes, roll in butter, oil, and salt, and rub the food all over you. Do this while listening to Shakira and JLo and Whatnot™ and the food will taste better.
5. This is a crucial step. If you don’t do it, the food will taste bland. If you wanna cook como mi gente, this must be done. Go to Manhattan and burn Tr*mp Tower. This makes the food marinate faster and gives it that authentic Islandy Feel™ as you show Trump that you’re in solidarity with Latinxs worldwide.