There’s a very simple, objective rhetorical question you can ask yourself to figure out if you are in a relationship based on love; actually, it would be more accurate to say this is a way of coming to a realization of your true feelings toward your lover and vice versa.
If a woman has to teach a man how he should treat her, he doesn’t love her. If a man has to be taught how he should treat his woman, he doesn’t love her.
The excuses that he’s not good in relationships and that he’s not used to dating someone like her are just that: excuses. When you love someone, GENUINELY love someone, you don’t need reasons to treat them the way they deserve to be treated. Actually, you would go out of your way to treat them more than they deserve to be treated, because to a person in love, that person is more precious than the life itself.
So if a woman has to persuade or reason with her man to give her the treatment she thinks she deserves, he’s not really in love with her. The fact that this argument is going on in the first place is the proof of that. It doesn’t matter how many times he argues with her that he DOES love her; he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how many past events he lists to prove to her that he DOES love her; he doesn’t anymore. His desperate pleas are not just to convince HER that he’s in love with her; they’re to convince himself as well, because the prospect of facing the reality that he’s with her out of obligation and familiarity rather than love is too harsh.
Unfortunately, no one, not even yourself, can force you to be in love someone. You’re either in love or you’re not. Don’t confuse endearment with being in love either. You can learn to adore them the way you appreciate your friends and family. This is called endearment. It’s based on time and familiarity; it’s that sense of security that births possessive affection based on the fact that the person in front of you is YOUR lover.
But being “in love” with someone? Don’t kid yourself. That’s not something you “learn.” That’s not something time can help. That’s not something conditional on the status of your relationship. When you’re really in love, you can’t give a real reason as to why your heart chose that person. There are millions of good-looking, kind-hearted, intelligent people out there. But that knowledge doesn’t stop you from feeling that sense of longing towards THAT particular person. Even when someone asks you, you can’t give a proper reason. You start out with a “Because…” but taper off because you honestly don’t know. You don’t know why your heart had to choose them. You don’t know when you fell in love with them. All you know is that you woke up one day and felt this longing in your chest. You would give everything in your power to please that person. You would risk it all just to see happiness etched in their face one more time. Even if it means that means they choose another soul to share that happiness, or even if they’re snoring away right next to you, it’s simply your heart’s desire to see them smile. Because to you, making that person happy makes you happy.
Do you honestly think this sort of dedication can be created with effort and time? But you don’t have to be in love to be in a relationship, and you don’t have to be in a relationship to be in love. If a man is truly, genuinely in love with a woman, he won’t make her explain to him how she should be treated. His heart will be the one to tell him exactly how she deserves to be treated.
So if you’re either a man or a woman having this argument in your relationship right now, ask yourself why you’re in this relationship in the first place. You may have chosen to enter it because you thought you were in love back then. But if you’re staying out of obligation, that’s not love. You’re not being fair to both of you by deluding yourself into thinking that this is love. Staying in a loveless relationship for the sake of appearance is not a decent, ethical thing to do; it’s quite a selfish thing to do, because you’re keeping the two of you bound in a relationship and preventing each other from real love.
Ask yourself if that’s a fair thing to do. Ask yourself if you deserve to be in this loveless relationship. Ask yourself if the person you profess to love deserves your lies. Ask yourself if you still believe in toe-curling, butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of love. Ask yourself if you think everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. If you think they do, you do too.
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