theonion:

Aries | March 21 to April 19
While it’s true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There’s no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you’ll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If you can’t smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you’re clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You never thought you’d end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it’s no real disappointment, when you don’t.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don’t you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

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