benedicts-third-testicle:

Goes by the name Benedict Cumberbatch  

To the highest bidder, for the most publicity, or for damage
control (pat on the head and a cookie?), he will: 

• Change his religious affliction

• Change his political views

• Wear a T-Shirt declaring himself anything you’d
  like

• Sexuality. 
  Oh he’s straight – don’t you forget it. 
  Speaking of which:

• Sell you details of his personal life

• Rumour monger a girlfriend

• Set up pap-pics with said girlfriend (tennis
  anyone?)

• Go along with an engagement announcement to a
  woman he can’t manage to say the name of

• Parade a woman he clearly doesn’t like on a Red
  Carpet, that’s okay – she doesn’t much like him either

• Go along with a dubious pregnancy

• Bait and leak details via his/her coat-tailing
  friends of his wedding

• Leak every detail of said wedding whilst
  claiming that it’s oh, so private

• Time said wedding to coincide with, not only
  Valentine’s day, but three days before Oscar final voting close-off.

• In fact, he will happily time ALL of his major
  life milestones to any awards close-offs or publicity events required

• Have a baby – timed perfectly (c’mon was it
  IVF?) to only reveal the bump on three major award voting close-offs (magical
  planned/unplanned IVF babies can do that) and move said timing around so that he
  can say that they were planning the shotgun wedding before she got pregnant (scratches
  head).

• Time the announcement of the birth of his baby to
  counter bad publicity following leaking (gosh – leaking, again?) of his CBE

• Time the Christening of his baby to the day
  before his film premiere

• Arrange a pap-op with his baby to counter
  divorce and negligent dad rumours

• Attend events and stare creepily at his wife for
  half a nano-second to also counter showmance/divorce rumours

• Use said publicity stunt wife/relationship/baby
  as an excuse to get out of attending events where he’ll have to confront his
  peers or spend time with fans, when he can’t quite use work to do that

• Use work to do that

• He will (literally) sell you the shirt off his
  back.  And everything else he’s
  wearing.  And everything his wife is
  wearing, and the kid too.  It’s ALL for
  sale.

• Drive whatever car you’d like him to shill.
  Jaguar?  On his Moneymoon? No problem.  MG? 
  So, last year. Mercedes?  Yep.

• Oh, really – he’ll do just about anything.   Juggling mandarins?  I’ll bet he’s been practising.  #supportivefruithusband.